You say you wanna resolution?

January – the month when we make our New Year’s resolutions only to see most of them abandoned by pancake day. Even if you don’t consciously make them I bet most people have a little list in their heads. Things like ‘I will not kick the cat’, ‘I will be nice to people in the office’, ‘I will go to the gym more’, I will use the car less. Come Valentine’s day the cat is limping, everybody at work hates you, you’ve gained more weight than a binge eating Sumo wrestler and the only reason you’re not driving your car is because you’re too heavy to get in it. So much for New Year’s resolutions.

Yet this month my editor has asked me to come up with 6 resolutions for DPRC card holders. Now my approach to resolutions in the past has been to either go for very easily achievable ones (I will always wake up in the morning) or totally unachievable ones (I will win an Oscar for best cinematographer). Whilst my heart favours the unachievable ones – I’m making these for you, not me, I suppose I should go for a mix, some hard, some difficult and some – well judge for yourself.

1. I will always take a companion with me on a rail journey.
This should be quite easy and means that you and the person travelling with you should get a third off. Then again it may not be, particularly if you don’t have many friends or if you live on your own. My solution? How about joining an internet dating site and taking a different date with you on a rail journey? Trains have always been associated with romance, think ‘Brief Encounter’ or Jenny Aguter waving her knickers in ‘Railway Children’, so it might make quite a romantic first date. However keep the journey short and first date appropriate. You are pushing at the margins if for your first date you book a sleeper journey up to Inverness (but the sleeper accommodation is accessible) and if you don’t get on your are in for a very tedious time.

2. I will cancel assistance if I book it but change my mind about when I am travelling.
An easy one really. Did you know that in the air industry you’re expected to give 48 hours notice? This also applies to international rail journeys, but not those from Wrexham to Bidston (technically it may be international but it’s not covered by European Passenger Rights legislation). Train operators deal with 1.2 million requests for assistance a year so cancelling what you have booked helps free up staff to assist other customers.

3. I will challenge people who leave luggage in wheelchair spaces.
No matter how you label a wheelchair space on a train non disabled passengers always seem to assume that in the absence of a wheelchair user the space is for luggage. This does beg the question as to what luggage racks are for? Presumably the same passengers store their children or goats here. You can adopt a number of tactics to get people to move their luggage. My favourite involves making eye contact with the person who has left the case, patting my tummy, licking my lips and making hungry eyes at the item in question. At the very least this should ensure that the offending passenger goes in search of a member of train staff worried that you are deranged. However if the offending item is a mobility scooter complete with user be prepared to explain that you do not have cannibalistic tendencies (no offence if you do though, each to their own).

4. I will write to the BBC asking them to cancel Top Gear.
‘Ha!’ you may be thinking ‘this has nothing to do with rail travel’. Think again. There is no equivalent programme that promotes rail travel or anything other than being a mindless, self opinionated petrol head. Cars rule the roost on the BBC and the TV licence costs more than three times the cost of your three year disabled persons Railcard. At 4p a day the three year railcard is cheaper than running an electric lightbulb. This wouldn’t keep Jeremy Clarkson in hyperbole for more than 30 seconds!

5. I will visit the DPRC website more
I bet most people just stumbled on these pages. You probably put ‘Petrol head + Clarkson’ into your search engine and landed here. Come back soon! Look at all the information that’s available. You can enter competitions, find out about station improvements, even read more ‘ramblings’ articles.

6. I will encourage other people to buy a disabled persons railcard
Why keep it secret? A third off rail travel, discounts on hotels, money off DVD rental and much more. You must have a friend/family member or lover that might qualify. Encourage them, explain that you get from A-B by rail relatively easily and have lived to tell the tale. Please?
And just so that you know here are my three New Year’s resolutions for the coming year

1. I will be nice to Johanna
I will not leave her car keys behind the urinal in the men’s toilet, I will pass on messages when her Swedish child minder calls to say she can not pick the kids up from school and I will not make here eat her lunchtime kebabs on the roof of Railcard Towers.

2. I will write shorter articles
Although the column is called ‘Ramblings’ I will try to ramble less. Perhaps we will rebrand to ‘thoughts with a railcard’ but know literalisms there.

3. I will stop making New Years resolutions.
This ones the easiest. They’re pointless, set you up for self admonishment and depress you due to your lack of will power. So what if the cat limps more than it did 12 months ago? What about the fact that I’ve gained a few hundred pounds in weight? I’m me – get over judging me. And as for writing shorter articles!?? Yeah, right!

Until next time.